| 29 July 2009
As we go about our day interacting with other flawed and emotional human beings it is inevitable that we will come across conflicts and disagreement from time to time. Is doesn't matter if the disagreement is with a spouse, friend or customer. If not quickly resolved, it has the capacity to generate great stress which can impact our health, family and productivity at work...
I was recently visiting a friend when the phone rang. A brief but terse conversation ensued before John abruptly finished the phone call with “I’ll see you in court.”
“What was that about?” I asked, noticing that John was quite unsettled.
“We had some cupboards installed for $8000. We were issued with a quote for $8000 and we paid it. He says that we owe him $850 for delivery and installation. That was their collection agency threatening to take us to court.”
“What did it say on your quote?”
Showing me the quote, John points to the area marked delivery fees. “See, there it says “Delivery fee - As requested”. We thought that meant that they will deliver it to us as we requested. If we knew that there was and extra $850 charge for delivery and installation, we would have chosen a different company. We are not going to let ourselves be ripped off by a crook.”
“What is the company’s opinion?” I asked.
“They say that their quote was given according to guidelines outlined by their industry body and that we need to pay up or they’ll take us to court,” John replied.
“So really this conflict comes down to confusion to the meaning of what “as requested” means in the original quote?”
“Yes.”
“So you are going to get a lawyer and spend a day in court over a simple misunderstanding?” I asked.
“It is a matter of principle.”
“Is it worth the time, the expense, the stress and the lost nights sleep to try to prove that you’re right?”
There was a pregnant pause as John contemplated the real impact of this argument in his recent quality of life. “What do you propose?” he asked.
“You know how I use to work at many Judo tournaments over the years? Well, there was this one smaller competitor who could consistently flip his larger opponents with relative ease. I asked him how he managed to do it.
He said that the key is not to push against them. You don’t get anywhere like that. You must align yourself with their force. You need to pull when they push so you are both going in the same direction. When you are both going in the same direction the contest is virtually over.
It is a very similar concept to resolving potential conflict. Whether it is with a customer or with a colleague, a conflict can only continue for as long as you push against the other person’s opinion. Once you align yourself with the other person’s point of view that you can resolve the conflict.”
“So how do we put it into practice in this instance?” asked John.
Whether it is with a work colleague or with a customer, there is a 4 step process to resolving most conflicts...
Conflict Resolution Step 1: find common ground
There is only a conflict if two parties are fighting. Conflict occurs when you focus only on where you disagree. So stop fighting and start to look for some common ground. It doesn’t mean taking their side. It means that you find something that you agree with, appreciate, respect or admire about their position. It might even mean that you agree with their intent although you may not have liked their actions.
Quite simply, it is very hard to fight with someone that agrees with you.
“Tell me, were you pleased with his work?”
“Yes. He did a quality job.”
“Tell me, if you had done a quality job and you believe that you appropriately invoiced your client and they didn’t pay you the full amount, would you be upset and want full payment?”
“Sure.”
“OK. So know you are finding yourself some common ground
Conflict Resolution Step 2: think how you may be partly responsible for the misunderstanding
“With the benefit of hindsight, what actions could you have taken that could have prevented this situation?”
John was silent.
“Were you completely sure that “as required” meant that there was no delivery fee?”
“No, we just assumed that.”
“So could you see that if you had asked the company what that meant beforehand, then this probably wouldn’t have happened?”
“Yeah, but they should have outlined a number figure where it said delivery fee,” stated John strongly, possibly feeling offended by the perception that I was blaming him for the situation.
“I agree with you wholeheartedly,” I replied with both hands up in a conciliatory gesture. “Can you now see how both parties are responsible for this misunderstanding?”
John nodded as he seemed happier with shared responsibility.
“What percentage responsible do you think you are?” I asked.
John’s eyes widened and he sat up straighter as he realised that he was partly responsible for the situation. “Well, no more than half.”
Conflict Resolution Step 3: taking into account your share of responsibility decide on a resolution
“So based on your portion of responsibility, what do you think is a fair and equitable solution that could resolve this once and for all?” I asked
“I am prepared to offer him $425, which is half of his estimated delivery and installation fee, John replied.”
Conflict Resolution Step 4: communicate with the other party
If there has been the threat of legal action it is best to communicate to the other party via email or letter. To me, it is always best to resolve conflicts in person. Effective resolution involves covering these four steps in order.
a) Start by mentioning what you agree on
b) Apologise for where you were partly responsible
c) Make your offer for resolution
d) Reinforce what you agree on
John decided to write a letter where he effectively covered those four points and enclosed a cheque for $425 to address his portion of responsibility. That offer was accepted and the war was over.
Sure there will be times when you have conflict that doesn’t get resolved. The other company could have decided against accepting John’s offer and insist on taking him to court. But any reasonable attempt to resolve the situation would only help your case in any legal proceedings.
Do your best to resolve conflicts and then move on. As a friend of mine once said, “If you keep arguing with an idiot, it is two idiots arguing.”
Remember that people have a right to express their own opinions and they don’t have to agree with you on everything. If you focus on what you agree on when interacting with work colleagues and clients you build rapport with them. The better rapport you have with your clients and colleagues the more that they will want to do business with you.
